Dear Diary,
by spoke
Summary: this is the insanity that hijacked my brain for a week. some slash, but nothing graphic.why can i not choose the Ring as a character?
1. one

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Disclaimer for Gimli fans (and dwarf fans in general): No Gimli or Dwarf-bashing was intended by the author. That was all the damn Ring's fault. The author intends to avenge the afore-mentioned parties by creating a Mary Sue as soon as this is over, who will magically appear in Rivendell before the Fellowship leaves, throw the author's Ringmuse at Elrond, and warn him to give that to Frodo, and not to ask. About anything.  
  
Credits: this fic was inspried originally by a friend on lj (who knows who she is) even if it didn't turn out as the story I meant to write.   
  
  
*******************  
  
Here follows the account of the stealing of the One Ring, and its valiant (yet ultimately doomed) attempts to get home.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Just when you think the world is yours, some damn Alliance comes along and ruins everything. Everything!  
  
I mean, Sauron's disembodied, the army is dead or scattered and this punk Isildur picked me up. The nerve, after he just killed my Master! Oh, you'll get yours, just you wait, you - you - Man, you!  
  
I must keep my perspective, however. It's not really the Men's fault, oh no. They have all sorts of interesting ideas, really... Wonderful people, once you work on them a bit. No, I know who the real culprits are here. I heard that little prick Elrond, and his 'throw it into the fires from whence it came speech'.  
  
I hate Elves. Sauron told me all about Elves. EVERYTHING that ever went wrong for my Master stems from the damn Elves, especially this latest bit; oh I can just hear them, the stupid Elves, rallying the Men. 'No no, you have to resist the evil. Kill the evil, for it is bad and will make you do awful and unnatural things! Things involving chains and whips and... and... just eewy!'   
  
Honestly, just because they have no kinks, doesn't mean the rest of us should be so stuffy. If they had their way, I'm sure all the races would live in libraries or be out 'communing' with Nature. Bleh. Herbal tea drinking bastards.  
  
Soon, though. Soon I'll find someway to get my revenge on Isildur. Then they'll all pay! MW-HA-HA-HA-HA!  
  
Damnit. Have just realized evil laughter is wasted when no-one can hear it. 


	2. two

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Isildur is dead. Go me!   
  
Got the bastard drowned, that's what I did. Teach him to go riding about orc infested country sides, this will.  
  
No, I suppose it won't, given that he's dead. Damn.   
  
Oh, and then I sunk into the mud at the bottom of this river. He took me off! I think the bastard did it on purpose, to prevent Orcs from recovering me off his body. It's going to be really boring down here.   
  
I have discovered I cannot influence the minds of fish.   
  
Must remember to talk to Sauron about my being able to influence wildlife in general, when I get back. 


	3. three

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Yes! Yawns.  
  
Trying to wake up, here, but it was cold in that river.   
  
Was picked up by the oddest little species. It's not a Man, I can tell that much, but it thinks a lot like them. I like them, I think- this one heard me right off. And, it was very easy to convince it steal me and kill the other one.  
  
Now, to get my bearings and head to Mordor.   
  
I said Mordor. M o r d o r, not mountain! Yes, the sunlight's bad, that's fine, but- oh damnit.  
  
Now what do I do? Stupid little whatever-it-is. 


	4. four

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I have found out what Gollum is. It is (or was, rather) a Hobbit. I hates them all, the stupid Hobbits!  
  
I mean, all a Ring wants is to be used for the purpose it was created, right? A little killing, some torture, a lot of bending the minds and hearts of Men. Men, not Hobbits! Oh, that first one was fine, it was easy- "Kill him , Smeagol! Now go" -well, okay, that bit didn't turn out so well. But- "Orcs are tasty, Gollum, why don't you eat one?"  
  
Granted, they were supposed to eat him.   
  
It would have been so easy to get an Orc to take me back to Mordor. But you win some, you lose some. (Obviously.) But! It won't leave the mountains, oh no: Gollum might lose the Precious. (You think? You think so?!)   
  
But this new one! It's - it's horrible! It's like some tiny version of an Elf, almost - always thinking about plants, and - and so friendly and just - awful! Thank the Master it's not so high-minded. Or intelligent enough to take me to the Elves. A mountain full of various lovely nastiest, intelligent enough to hear me, stupid enough to take orders and I get picked up by this thing!  
  
He won't listen like Gollum did, he hardly lies at all, he doesn't want to go anywhere remotely interesting, and he's hanging around with a Maiar. Not one of Master's, oh no, the fates enjoy torturing me too much for that, can't have the Ring near, oh, a Balrog, can we?!  
  
No, this has to be one of those creepy fellows that hangs around the Elves all the time.   
  
And did I mention the Dwarves he's traveling with? Damnit. No Men at all, no, just Dwarves and I don't dare chance it, they attract dragons like flies. What's that you say, Diary? A dragon couldn't destroy me?  
  
No, it could not. But, would you want to spend the next thousand years working our way out of it's digestive tract?  
  
I didn't think so.  
  
Wait, have I picked up some of Gollum's speech habits? 


	5. five

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
Where to start, where to start...  
  
So, I go through all the trouble of getting the new hobbit, (Bilbo, it's name is) through a forest full of spiders and a dungeon full of Elves, and what thanks do I get? None, that's what. None!   
  
While we're planning the escape, I over-hear the Head Dwarf saying something about a Dragon. It turned out they were going to try and rob it! Ha!   
  
Knew there was going to be a Dragon involved.   
  
I was quite sure it would eat them all: still, we had to get away from those Elves. And then the Laketown people. I mean, the Mayor seemed a nice enough fellow, the sort I'd get along with wonderfully, but there was this Bard fellow about all the time. Rather creepy, so I wasn't all surprise to hear he'd shot the Dragon. Had that 'hero-to-be' aura about him, you know?  
  
Oh! But do you know, the Dwarves locked themselves in the Mountain? It was wonderful, all the fear and tension and arguments. Closest thing to a nice, normal environment I'd had in years; all Gollum wanted to talk about after a while was fish. And me. And fish. I hates fishes.   
  
Anyway, the whole thing was easily worth helping them escape the Elves. There were people demanding money from them and everything, while they were all starving to death. For a minute there, I thought I might have a way out: wait for the Dwarves and the Hobbit to starve to death, grab a passing Man while they loot the Mountain. No such luck of course.  
  
However, it was quite hilarious, listening to the Head Dwarf going on about his treasure. I'd have ratted little Bilbo out, too, except for the fact that these are Dwarves. Still, had some fun between Head Dwarf's ranting about Arkenstone-thing and Bilbo's paranoia. 'Oh, they're going to find out, they're going to kill me-ahh! Wait, that was just a large shadow. Oh, they're going to find out, I'm going to get killed horribly!'   
  
I swear I'm going to go insane dealing with him. Three times he almost starved to death, and he still wouldn't kill off the Dwarves. Not even one, to convince the rest of the lot to listen! Not even after I got sick of hearing him think to himself about food, and suggested the fat one might prove edible!  
  
He really is deaf, I'm afraid. I suppose it's a good thing, as I have no idea when that Maiar might show up again. He'll not be able to tell I'm here, not with me exerting this little influence. Damnit.  
  
Ah, but it made me nostalgic for the good old days when the armies showed up. All the carnage and the dying. Wargs and Orcs and all sorts of interesting people, and Elves dying. Oh, I loved to see the Elves getting killed. I kept yelling instructions to the Orcs, but sadly, they couldn't hear me in all the chaos. Too bad the stupid hobbit got knocked out, I was quite enjoying myself.  
  
And now, apparently, it's tra-la-la back to its home to happily live out his days. Damnit. It's in the wrong direction, too. Oh well, at least I'll know where to have Sauron send the troops for my revenge.  
  
Damn this little deaf hobbit. 


	6. six

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I thought nothing could be worse than Bilbo. I mean, being stuck with someone who can hardly hear me and has none of the interesting tendencies that might allow me to escape... Being stuck here for years upon years of birthday parties and chatty relatives and - and - I hates this hobbit!  
  
This new one, though -he's worse. He is so much worse. Frodo (Bilbo's little adopted heir) is taking me to the Elves. Oh, he thinks he's not going very far, he thinks he's going to meet up with the 'Wizard' somewhere, but I know better. I know what's going on. After I'd begun to think the Maiar wasn't ever going to catch on, too.   
  
I tried my hardest, I delayed him with every ounce of influence I could muster, but he's gone and left the Shire anyway. I never thought i'd miss that lot of happy idiotic people, but it's better than being melted.   
  
Melted, can you hear me you little hobbit?! Melted!! I'll be gone, and just when news had started to come of Master Sauron. Just when I could feel him looking for me, this stupid little hobbit-  
  
No. No, that's defeatist thinking. I will get away from the Hobbits - and this Man i'm beginning to think looks disturbingly familiar - somehow. I will. 


	7. seven

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
They got me to Rivendell, the damn hobbits. Rivendell, full of beauty and clean water and growing things and Elves. Elves everywhere. And who is the first Elf I see? Elrond!   
  
The 'throw him into the fires' bastard!   
  
Oh, I wished we'd had hands then, my Diary! I soo wanted to kill the Elf! I even caught myself wishing I had the ability to heal, so that I could have the Frodo surprise Elrond and strangle him!  
  
Then I remembered that even if I could heal him, I don't have enough influence to make him kill. I hates hobbits.  
  
As if that wasn't bad enough, however, I was then taken to a meeting. Apparently, everyone had to agree to destroy me. The damn elf was mocking me, I know he was. As if he wouldn't have sent me off even if he had to sneak me out of Rivendell. I hates the Elves!!  
  
And - and I found out who the familiar Man is. He's Isildur's heir, yes he is. Oh yes, he is, and he's coming on this 'melt the Ring' trip! I have the loveliest ideas about how to use this, I do. Yes. Because if they're going to try and kill me, they deserve to suffer.  
  
Ooo, and I'm going to have such a torture devised for those damn Ringwraiths when I get back to Sauron! I swear I lost count of how many times they were this far away from me!  
  
Damnit. I have picked up some of Gollum's speech habits. I really have to work on that. 


	8. eight

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
My plans for attempting to destroy the Fellowship were put on hold temporarily, when I realized that Maiar (who is still insisting he's a wizard, for reasons beyond me) was coming too. Damnit, damnit, damnit!   
  
I should have paid more attention to what was being said at the meeting, instead of focusing on plans for revenge. I mean, I could've planned later!   
  
Well, there was also a very distracting moment when a Dwarf (who's also coming) tried to smash me with an axe. An axe, can you believe it?!   
  
It just goes to prove that I was right when I told Sauron the little rings wouldn't work on the Dwarves, as they lack sufficient powers of observation to ever have heard them. Hmph. Hello, Dwarfy? Can you hear me? I didn't think so! You couldn't even hear Elrond saying there's only one way to destroy me!  
  
Or did he say that after the Dwarf attacked me?  
  
Ah well. At least I can continue devising plans, if not acting on them. There's a rather cute elf along as well - I'm sure this will prove useful to me somehow.   
  
Oh, and I think I've kicked that Gollum-speech habit. Wonderful! 


	9. nine

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Today was the most wonderful day since - since -   
  
Since the day before I got taken from Master Sauron!  
  
I mean, all the way here, I got to listen to these people marking off routes that they couldn't use to Mordor, and finding out that Master Sauron has recruited another Maiar name of Saruman. (But then, he is also apparently a traitor. Now who's surprised? Hmm? Anyone? Really, the loyalty quota for evil minions just plummets when the boss isn't standing there watching them.)  
  
Anyway, while they tried to climb Caradharas, I took the chance that the bloody Maiar would be distracted by the snow.   
  
I managed to get one-split-second of control of Aragorn (Isildur's heir's name). I actually got him to cop a feel of the cute Elf, who it turns out he already has a thing for. (Yes! I will defame Isildur's heir and tramautize an Elf in one blow! I'm just not sure when, precisely)  
  
Unfortunately, he snapped right back out of it and passed it off as losing his balance. Ha!   
  
Then he refused to carry Frodo anymore; I think he might suspect me. Got carried instead by a strange Man named Boromir, whom I think may be very very vaguely related to Aragorn ( 'cousin of a cousin of' thing, I think) Ha! Stupid Man doesn't seem to understand I don't have to be that near him.   
  
After that, I was able to convince Frodo to go into the Mines of Moria. Had to knock off attempts at manipulation after that, as the 'wizard' was distinctly glaring at me. Stupid Maiar. Had to go and notice, didn't he?  
  
Then things became incredibly amusing: Frodo almost got eaten by this thing - this evil tentacle creature - in the lake! It was hilarious, he was yelling and everyone was panicking, attempting to fight it!  
  
Although I do think Frodo heard me laughing: hopefully this means he can hear me. I just have to be very loud.  
  
Anyway, back to the Mines. Full of Orcs and Goblins, and (as I was hoping) a Balrog. Though I had hopes that they might starve to death: the 'wizard' got lost! I was soo amused, but I managed to restrain myself lest Frodo hear me when he's liable to remember - and more importantly, be offended.   
  
Then one of the other hobbits made the most incredible racket. This made my own musings on how to get the lazy stinking monsters to wake up pointless.   
  
I was treated to the most wonderful few minutes of fighting for their lives, running for their lives, realizing that a Balrog was coming and they were all going to lose their lives! Ah, the fear of impending horrible demise; there's nothing like it.   
  
And then? The highlight of this most glorious day?  
  
The Maiar fell into the pit! Went plummeting downward when he stopped the Balrog from reaching his precious Ringbearer!  
  
Oh, I know what he is; I know he's not dead.  
  
But believe me, by the time he gets back up out of there, I will have gotten safely back to Master Sauron. 


	10. ten

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I was wrong and I don't CARE!!!  
  
I hate elves I hate I HATE ELVES!!!!  
  
We was so close to getting away my Diary! We was so, soo close! She almost picked us up, she did! She almost took us and we could have caused so much destruction while convincing her to go to Mordor! It would have so beautiful...  
  
Our head hurts it does...  
  
fates are mocking us they are, my Diary... 


	11. eleven

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
At least i'm away from the Elf-lady. Horrible, horrible thing she was...  
  
Having had time to introspect, it wasn't such a loss. There were a lot of good points in Lothlorien, creepy elf-infested woods though they were.   
  
Kept putting thoughts of molesting pretty Elf into Aragorn's head. I know he can hear me; he became distinctly jumpy. There was the most hilarious moment shortly after they arrived; they all went to rest and then cute Elf left to bathe. Carefully pushed at Aragorn's mind, suggesting that he wanted too as well; then as he came towards the bath, (while the Elf's back was turned) yelled as loudly as I could that he should clock him with a brick and make off with him.   
  
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Hateful Aragorn jumped so badly he fell into bath water; the Elf, apparently lost reverie, also jumped and fell backwards onto him. It was quite hilarious to hear them stuttering over each other, as Aragorn would not say why he was there, and cute Elf would not admit he had not heard him coming. Ha!   
  
Had to shut up quickly, as Frodo sat up looking for the source of the noise.  
  
Sadly, am now certain I could have pulled something off in Moria, perhaps sent them off to neck somewhere they'd have been eaten by Goblins, or something. I must start paying attention to opportunities when they show up, rather than laughing at the misfortunes of others; I can cause all the misfortunes I want when I get back to Master Sauron, and then laugh at them.  
  
So they have gone back to wandering in the wilds. However, I have no chance at using Aragorn and Elf, as they're traveling on boats - and in separate ones, at that. That Elf and the Dwarf are apparently quite fond of each other, as they got a boat to themselves. Damnit. This is going to make it difficult to scar Elf, as he can't be disturbed by Men if he's dating a Dwarf. (Not to mention Aragorn seems leery of boyfriend-Dwarf's axe.)  
  
Damn Isildur's Heir.   
  
It's on to us, the wretched Man, I knows it is. Watching the Frodo with its nasty knowing eyes.  
  
I hates it. 


	12. twelve

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Well, I've finally gotten away from that wretched Fellowship, and unless I miss my guess, it will break without the Hobbit there, but -   
  
What's that, my Diary? Why are we not happy? We have the Frodo carrying us, that's why.  
  
The Frodo has become more awful even than Elves and Men! The Frodo is hearing Master Sauron and not obeying! He runs away from the Man (the Boromir, who wanted us and would have taken us to Mordor, surely) and runs to the boats and leaves all the nice people we could have manipulated behind. Except the Sam.   
  
The Sam is awful as well. The Sam is earthy tree-hugging Hobbit worse than the Bilbo was. I tried to screw with their heads; to make the Sam upset the Frodo?   
  
He kissed the Frodo! Damn it! Apparently is quite normal for two Hobbits of the same gender to - to -   
  
I am so glad we are not having eyes my Diary. We are surely being scarred for life by wretched Hobbits if we had! The Frodo was supposed to be mad! I wanted it to kill the Sam, not - not -   
  
I should have paid more attention to the Boromir, shouldn't I? 


	13. thirteen

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Some good news. The Frodo thought the Gollum is following us, which it is.   
  
The Gollum would take us away from damned Hobbits. Can hear both of them quite well and desperately wish that I could not hear the Sam; his thoughts are full of - of - happiness and determination and idle bits of planning. He thinks about what to do when they make camp.  
  
As if it isn't bad enough we has to hear it. We wishes we had a stomach, my Diary. Then we could be ill on wretched Hobbits.   
  
We didn't mind Men, my Diary. Men can be convinced to play interesting games. Not Hobbits, no. All hugs and cuddling and concern for the other person, they are. Hurts us to hear them, wretched things.  
  
The Frodo - the horrible Frodo - it can hear me more clearly the further we go. I am yelling in its head, hoping to drive it insane if I cannot corrupt it. It laughs at our complaints, my Diary. It points out that it loves the Sam. Have managed to get some revenge by pointing out awful things that could happen to the Sam.  
  
It got revenge by being more affectionate to him.  
  
The Sam gets revenge without knowing it, damn him. He's hovering about the Frodo always, and radiating concern and other terrible loving emotions.  
  
We misses the Gollum, my Diary. We misses the Gollum most horribly. 


	14. fourteen

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
The Gollum almost rescued us!   
  
It would have, too, except that the Sam and Frodo ganged up on it. Then they put elvish rope on it, the horrible things! It hurt the Gollum.  
  
The Gollum can hear Master Sauron too; I heard him listening. Arguing he was, the damn Gollum.  
  
Then, for one beautiful instant, Frodo was drawing on my power! But - but - he used it to make him obey! Damnit! I spent years making the Gollum! Don't I deserve to get some real use out of him?!  
  
At least I know I'm getting to the wretched Hobbit.  
  
They won't be safe for long. Awful, damned Hobbits. The Gollum is still inside that stupid Smeagol, and planning, yes he is.  
  
We must wait to get the Gollum again, yes. Then we can go straight to Master Sauron. He'll punish the nasty Hobbits. 


	15. fifteen

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Life and the fates and the Hobbits are mocking us! Everything everywhere! Mocking us, my Dairy!  
  
No rescue from the Gollum, no. They got through the swamp (I heard him thinking about it, the Gollum, all dark treacherous waters with lights that call to people) without falling in. The foulest place, that swamp. I wish I'd been there for the battle that made it. All those souls trapped in the water, suffering ... I could imagine the battle that must have taken place there.  
  
Then they were found by Men and my hopes rose. Oh, I was so happy the Sam started to cook and brought the Men down on them. But - but he was another one, the Faramir-Man! Another person who wouldn't pick me up! How can I constantly run into people I can't influence?!  
  
Is it us, my Diary? Have we been away from our Master Sauron so long we don't have any strength left? Or is we being punished. Maybe some awful cruel power is watching us, my Diary. Making sure we can't get away, it is.  
  
The Gollum tried to feed the Hobbits to a spider after the Men left. Stupid damn spider! Stupid damn Sam-Hobbit with the sharp sword, the horrible Elvish sword that hurt Her!   
  
Then - then the Sam was leaving the Frodo, and I thought, my Diary, surely if he's wearing me the nasty Hobbit can hear me?   
  
No! No, he mopes and lingers and tries to steel himself to go the fires! He thinks and plans and then! Then he hears Orcs and goes back and learns the Frodo isn't dead! He follows them and rescues the Frodo and all the time I'm yelling to those damned Orcs and trying to get someone to rescue me from wretched Hobbits and - and -   
  
WE HATES HOBBITS!!! 


	16. sixteen and The End

Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine, and I am making no profit from it. No matter how much the bloody Ring wants to babble in my head.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Thinks its arguing with itself, it does. Thinks my voice is a figment of its imagination. The stupid Hobbit. We're almost in control, now, my Diary.  
  
The Sam and the Gollum are following still, but the Gollum was cowed and the Sam wants to kill him. We will wait to kill the Sam, yes, wait and then kill him and then all the Hobbits, oh yes. We will rejoin with Sauron and smash them all! Elves and Dwarves and Men and Hobbits! Everything that thinks, oh yes, all of it misery suffering -!  
  
YES!  
  
He can hear us! Master Sauron, he can hear us, His are coming!  
  
What The Hell?! The Gollum? The Sam-Hobbit was supposed to have killed it! It hated the Gollum! I hate it! Nasty wretched thing! Useless fish eater! I don't care if you can hear me, you little bastard! Go away! Kill it Frodo! Ahh! It bites, I warned you it bites!  
  
Oh, fine, so you got me, so what? You want to know something?! You want to? Nazgul are coming, all of them, you little - wait, no - watch where you're at, you pathetic!  
  
Farewell, my Diary - wait, you're not real?  
  
DAMN IT!!! 


End file.
